


Guide Me, Hold Me

by gloriousdae



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: As always it's hella gay, M/M, You will be reminded if you forgot, did you know Martha is dead?, it's a happy story though!, james does though, james is mom friend but gayer, oh and there's implied child abuse, thomas doesn't know how to feeling, thomas is a lucky bitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 12:14:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9607133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gloriousdae/pseuds/gloriousdae
Summary: Thomas doesn't know how to handle himself, but luckily James knows how to handle the both of them, so it's okay.





	

When James' lips hit Thomas' the very first time, a whole new world was created. One that was warm, safe, where he felt like he really was all the things James said he was. A world that was so much more beautiful than the one he had to live in, but one he knew exactly how to visit. The very first kiss was sudden, quick, soft, it lasted for no longer than five seconds, and it was the best five seconds in Thomas' life since Martha passed. And he didn't even think of Martha in those five seconds, he didn't feel guilty, he didn't feel anything negative. It was like James made that impossible. Like he had something, an aura, around him, that shielded the moment from negativity. No matter how long the moment was, that shield was there.  
But when he pulled away. When the moment of bliss was over. Everything went back to its cold and painful ways. Thoughts of Martha flooded his mind. And thoughts, ones he hated but couldn't ignore, thoughts telling him that the moment of happiness, the first happiness he had experienced since his wife died, was wrong, and he shouldn't have felt happy. So he proceeded to feel guilty, and yelled at James in attempts to make him feel guilty as well. It didn't work of course, all it did was make Thomas feel worse.  
But with the second time the happy world emerged again, it took him in welcoming, not allowing the bad to follow him. That time lasted longer, Thomas didn't know how much longer, but it wasn't long enough, he didn't think there would ever be a time when it would be long enough. A long enough escape from the real world hidden to him unless he was kissing James. The second kiss was harsher, he caused it, he needed it, but James quickly had him calm, made him melt into the moment. James always could do that. He could always calm Thomas down, it was something Thomas loved and hated.  
When the second kiss broke it was like being pushed off a diving board into a cold pool. So sudden, so quick, the impact stinging even after it passed, gasping for air, trying to get a grip on things. Left in a second of confusion, a second of drowning that could've lasted years if he didn't have his lifesaver, that anchor that allowed him to float but stay put, that being James. Learning from the last time, James began asking him simple questions, changing the topic to something light as quickly as he possibly could. Thomas hated it and loved it, he wanted to discuss what just happened, but he could see where James was coming from, he was trying to protect him, trying to keep him anchored.

Ever since they met, that's what James was there for, it was like he was put on the earth for the very reason. He was the only person who knew how to calm Thomas, Martha knew too, but not as well as him. While Martha was the perfect match for Thomas, they matched spark, stubbornness, wits, she added to the flame that was Thomas. James could match him if he wanted, but that wasn't the type of person he was, he rather keep quiet, unless it was something important. That quiet was good for Thomas, James was the break in the storm that was his best friend. He could put out his flame, or even create one. He could get past his stubborn walls and negotiate. He was smart enough, he would happily admit he wasn't as smart as Thomas, because to be at that level was near impossible for anyone but him, he was smart enough to have a conversation with. And despite what everyone else said, he was interesting, at least to Thomas, and being something to Thomas meant more than being nothing to everyone else.

Thomas was left longing to be kissing James at some points. Not even kissing, he just wanted that feeling that James loved him, even if he didn't, he didn't know if he did, and he wasn't going ask anytime soon. Thomas knew if James wanted him to know something, James would tell him, so he would wait. But the moments were scarce, they acted like they always did, bickering and debating, or just discussing random things. Then there was the moments when time would stop, their laughter would stop, they'd be inches from each other, Thomas trying to do everything in his power to be gentle, to not seem desperate for the touch. He didn't know it, but James could sense it, of course he could, when was there a time James didn't know exactly what Thomas was thinking?

Thomas was never the type of person who liked to be touched, at least this was the case since James met him. James knew why. His parents loved him, treated him like any decent parent would, then his mother had a stillborn, it hurt both his parents. His father became an alcoholic and hit the children, hit Thomas the most because he was a boy, he could take it. Told Thomas he was weak and useless when he cried, convinced him that his feelings made him less of a person. Thomas grew up watching his sisters allowed to cry, while he was hit for even thinking about it. Not only was it that he was hit, but the fact that he was hit by someone he respected, someone he thought loved him, that broke his trust. James knew all this. James was the only person Thomas had ever told this to. James knew why Thomas hated someone going to give him a high five without warning, he thought he was about to get hit. Most people would laugh, someone like big mean Thomas, scared of a high five, and that's why Thomas didn't tell anyone.

It was true, Thomas hated being touched, hated someone patting his shoulder, grabbing his hand. But James, like for so many other things, James was the exception. He wished the moment when James held his hand lasted longer. He wished his friend would over step the boundaries set when they first met. When Thomas told James not to touch him at all. That wasn't the case anymore. God no. James taking his hand became normal. Slowly then kissing was becoming normal. But Thomas just wanted to be held. It didn't matter if it was a hug, or his arm, or anything, the small anchor of their hands together was becoming weak. Of course they hugged, but it was rare and short. Thomas didn't know how to voice this to James, didn't know how to tell his best friend he was addicted to his touch. He could always just say that. Tell James he became addicted and longed for it more and more with every moment they were apart.

James was slowly testing the waters with his friend. Slowly he would move closer. Sitting closer to Thomas. Holding his hand a bit tighter. And now, kissing a bit harder. So far Thomas reacted well, besides the first kiss. He was slowly breaking the wall that had been built when the man was a boy. He wanted to move quicker, he could tell Thomas did too. But he knew what was best. If he went too quickly Thomas would get scared, he'd repair the wall, make it stronger, it'd be near impossible to get back to where they were now. James knew how Thomas worked, he knew how to get Thomas to do things, but sometimes Thomas would act out of character. Sometimes he'd be suddenly angry, that was common when he drank, but he didn't anymore, sometimes he would start crying and James would need to back tract to find out what was wrong. But most times Thomas was predictable.

Thomas had fallen asleep, he had been sitting on the floor of the living room(despite James trying to convince him to get on the couch, sometimes he just wouldn't listen), his back against the couch, he head on James' knees. James had a relaxed hand in his curls, gently brushing through them in a way he knew wouldn't wake Thomas up. They had been watching Psych, but James knew Thomas wouldn't make it even ten minutes into the episode, he never seemed to be able to after eleven.  
They were both silent, had no reason not to be, besides the occasional soft laugh from James. Then the show ended, and as if it was planned, as soon as the scene returned to the Netflix play menu, Thomas woke up, James moved his hand back quickly before it could be noticed.  
"Morning, Tommy." James says jokingly,  
"Why'd you let me sleep on the floor? It's uncomfortable." Thomas mumbles, moving to be on the couch.  
"I didn't, I told you that you would regret being on the floor, and you said it'd keep you from sleeping." James says shaking his head with a smile,  
"Oh, I did?" Thomas asks, then nods, "oh yeah... I did."  
James laughed slightly, "yeah, you're still tired, why don't you go back to sleep?" He offers,  
Thomas shook his head with a smirk, a bit of a proudness to the smirk, why, James couldn't figure out. "I don't want to sleep alone again." He says quietly, a tone so innocent it hardly could belong to Thomas.  
"You're not alone. I'm out here if you need me. You should go to your bed though." James assured him, reaching out and taking Thomas' hand, gently tracing circles on the back of it like he always did,  
Thomas nods, "yeah, but it's not the same." He mumbles,  
"Come on, you're being silly, but come on." James says standing up, pulling Thomas along with him gently, leading him to his room.  
"Jimmy?"  
"Yes?"  
"I love you." Thomas whispers before he could stop himself,  
"Thomas, have you been drinking behind my back?" James asks, those words were common on his lips when he was drunk, and James did come over late, it did give Thomas some time to drink and hide the fact that he did.  
Thomas shook his head, "no, I'm not drunk, Jimmy, I really do love you." He says, his tone a bit frustrated,  
"Hey, it's okay, I believe you. And I... I love you too, Tommy. But it's late, let get to bed. Okay?" James asks, a bit taken aback at Thomas' behavior, maybe it was from lack of sleep.  
"Do you really?" Thomas asks softly,  
James was quiet until they got to the bed room, then he turned to face Thomas. "Of course I do. I can't think of any reason I wouldn't." James assured him, "now get in bed, you should sleep, you haven't in days."  
Thomas shook his head, "not without you." He protests,  
James sighed, "fine, just for tonight. You got that?" He asks, he got a nod from Thomas.  
Five minutes later Thomas was asleep, James couldn't sleep, not yet, he had to wait to make sure Thomas was really asleep, make sure he would be alright with the way they were now. His arms holding him closer than ever before. Thomas almost looked like a kid in a way, curled up with his curls blocking his face, arms hugging himself. It was this type of calm that James fought for all day and won fairly at the end of it.  
Just because James said only for the night, he wouldn't complain if this became normal, but he knew for now it was a one time thing. He would leave Thomas to sleep normal for a few days, then maybe they'd do this two nights in row. James was going to slowly work up to this being a regular thing just like everything else. It was the best way to make Thomas comfortable with something. It was easy for Thomas to back out and say he isn't comfortable anymore. It was easy to read Thomas when he was slowed down, but he could do it when he was going at his usual pace as well.  
Soon James fell asleep as well, his grip around Thomas loosening the deeper into sleep he went.  
And Thomas slept, for the first night since Martha died, under a shield against the evils of the world. He slept a dreamless sleep, a peaceful one. A happy one. Finally the happy moment lasted long enough to be recognized while he was in it. Finally long enough to love.

**Author's Note:**

> So two things:  
> 1.) Thomas wasn't historically abused, I just have a problem over reflecting myself onto my characters, so yeah, I added that.  
> 2.) They're watching Psych because you can't convince me that Sean and Gus aren't Thomas and James.


End file.
